1. Most one-liners are reverse engineered, and start with something you hear. I hear an everyday phrase and think I could muck about with that. Was it something I said? asks the son. 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding On a snow day, news is weather is travel. Michael McIntyre, Heres a picture of me with REM. Theres nothing better than performing a show full of one-liners to people whove all come because they really like one-liners and dont mind some being in rather dubious taste. Port Sunlight, Gladstone Theatre Just click the "Edit page" button at the bottom of the page or learn more in the Quotes submission guide. He is known for his role as a writer for Birmingham-based FM radio station Kerrang! And dont apologise, ever. Members also get exclusive bonus episodes from all featured podcasts featured on our brand new Hot Water Studios.Live Stream schedule - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk3dQ67cxDLHFWfD_V6j1kwFCb6ZvqUNbMember only content - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=UUMOG1QXvv8CME3I6yts0IevTAFor Hot Water Comedy Club tickets, social media and information about our brand new 2022 venue please check out our mini website - https://linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyclub Jokes I tweet didn't make the grade for live shows. 50 percent of people who go to watch The Cure actually end up watching Placebo, and enjoy it just as much. As a subscriber, you are shown 80% less display advertising when reading our articles. Im reading a horror story in Braille. . Just hope I can pull it off. William Andrews (2018), Words cant express how much I hate World Emoji Day. Christian Talbot (2018), When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. Olaf Falafel (2018), Thing is, we all just want to belong. Instagram: biographyscoop. Apparently Dance like no one is watching doesnt mean With your cock out. The tour starts in Hull on September 6, 2018 and currently finishes in Otley on March 1, 2019. If you have to force it its probably s***. Stephen K. Amos, I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. Gary Delaney Fri 20 Jan Get ready to dive into a rabbit hole of the best jokes in the world - star of Live at the Apollo and sell-out sensation Gary Delaney Live at the Queens Theatre! Not all of it. A Gannett Company. We couldnt afford a dog. Gary Delaney, Two fish in a tank. She said, Two or three. 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life | Gary Delaney With 23 One Liners! I called this tour Gagsters Paradise because I wanted a title that let people know it had loads of jokes in, theres no story and no sad bits. Youd always get some bloke complaining that he couldnt see the screen. Theres a name for itJimeoin, I have two boys, 5 and 6. 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Using this website means you are okay with this but you can find out more and learn how to manage your cookie choices. He said: Those are pickled onions.. We couldn't afford a dog. 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier I thought: Bloody hell, how longs the aisle going to be. Paul McCaffrey(2014), Golf is not just a good walk ruined, its also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined. John Luke-Roberts (2016), Feminism is not a fad. She said, Two or three. What has ears but cannot hear? I said to him Dont be Sicily. Tim Vine, Never Apologise! Thats 20 cowsJake Lambert (2019), A thesaurus is great. 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults Heres a tip for the new viewers: if the show starts with the pilots being interviewed it will be a boring episode.Nick Cody (2015), I think the bravest thing Ive ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. Stuart Laws (2016), Drug use gets an unfair reputation considering all the beautiful things in life it has given us like rock n roll and sporting achievement. Jason John Whitehead (2016), Im not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. Rory OKeeffe (2016), I dont have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that I dont work but I do feel very guilty about that.Rory OKeeffe (2016), I love Snapchat. She was wearing massive gloves. Alun Cochrane, As a kid I was made to walk the plank. It was Wedgie Kray. Im a big fan of whiteboards. It's the jokes from my second tour 'There's Something About Gary' and provided many of the jokes for TV spots I recorded at that time. Ground beef! Thats not a miracle. He woke up. I recently took my naval exams. We couldnt afford a dog. Gary Delaney (2010), Money cant buy you happiness? Trending. Here are 60 funny, clever, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion. I think the hardest part of making skimmed milk must be throwing the cows across the lake. APR 25 2020 Fat Frog Comedy Because you can see right through them! A skeleton walks into a bar. The reason for that is because he only has one arm. Andrew Ryan (2016), I am writing a film script about going back in time to stop Hitlers parents meeting at the Austrian Enchantment Under The Sea dance. The reception was brilliant. Why are ghosts bad liars? 110 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny. Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep! If you have to force it its probably shit. Stephen K. Amos(2014), I used to be addicted to swimming but Im very proud to say Ive been dry for six years.Alfie Moore(2013), My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. Rhys James (2016), My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Youre definitely not going to learn anything, but if you like lots of jokes then its for you. Ive lost three days already. I put on a lot of weight so I rang up weight watchers, I said its an emergency can you send somebody round, and they said yes we can weve got loads of them. Because they might peel! Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.Paul F Taylor (2014), My father was never sexist, he beat my brothers and I equally. Njambi McGrath (2016), The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners that will make everyone laugh 100 of the best bad jokes that will make you cringe 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding 50 of. I hardly ever visit Syria. Alex Horne(2014), Life is like a box of chocolates. HP10 9TY. I could talk about classic card games all day. Aatif Nawaz (2016), People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.Abi Roberts (2016), I think children are like Marmite. Shouldve been called Look Whos Hawking, thats my only criticism James Acaster, Ive written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldnt fit it into my set.Masai Graham, I wanted to do a show about feminism. Gary Delaney Biography, Age, Wife, Stand-up, Movies, Tour and One Liners. Are you sure you want to delete this comment? One says: How do you drive this thing? Yes. 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present. Those ads you do see are predominantly from local businesses promoting local services. I dont want to do itPhil Wang, I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the ArkAdam Hess, I went to a Pretenders gig. Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Always listen to the audience, they ultimately decide what is funny and they will tell you who you are, and what you should be saying., Gary Delaney plays the Cornerstone Didcot on Saturday. Its called the Daily Mail. Hayley Ellis (2016), When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a womans body. Pat Sajak Bio, Age, Wife, Height, Net Worth, Illness, Wheel of Fortune, Bob Guiney Bio, Age, Family, Wife, Divorce, Net Worth, The Bachelor, Book, Jake Pavelka Bio, Age, Family, Girlfriend, Net Worth, The Bachelor, Trevor Noah Bio, Age, Real Name, Parents, Net Worth and The Daily Show, Ilana Glazer Biography, Age, Brother, Husband, The Planet is Burning, Tour, Sarah Millican Biography, Age, Husband, Books, Net Worth and Comedy, 2011-2012 Stand Up for the Week as a writer, 2011-2014 Live at the Apollo as a writer, 2013-2014 A League of Their Own as a writer, 2017 Unspun with Matt Forde as a writer, 2020 Richard Osmans House of Games as a contestant. Of all the losers, you came in first! And thats just in the hot dogs. David Letterman, I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. SHARE. I failed math so many times at school,. UPC: 9781250225825. Tickets are on sale now. The way nationalities have different takes on the same thing. The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry. What did one plate say to the other plate? This vinegars got lumps in it. I love Alan Davies, but my aversion to comedian books meant that although it came out in 2020, I didn't read it till early this year. Suggs just asked me what my preferred pronouns are. So I always want as many people to see it as possible. Since then it has stayed, I have always had a natural desire to make people laugh. Menu. 49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. Gary in Punderland Tour 50 percent of people who go to watch The Cure actually end up watching Placebo, and enjoy it just as much. 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley He is known for delivering them in a slightly deadpan manner. It can only become stairs. Youd call yourself Uncle Feminism. Jenny Collier (2016), My mate is called Liam, but we call him Two Legs Liam. Ironically, thats how he lost his job in disaster relief.Mark Watson (2014), I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson. Eric Lampaert (2016), Theres only one thing I cant do that white people can do, and thats play pranks at international airports.Nish Kumar (2014), How do people make new mates? Put the funny bit at the end of your jokes and minimise the gaps between funny bits. My first special 'Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013' is available for free to everyone on my mailing list. 7:30pm Tickets: 21 Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. Could be a Chinese Wispa. Rob Auton (2013), I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Nick Helm (2011), Crash Investigations is my favourite TV show, Ive seen every episode. That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine, Do you know what I love most about baseball? I'm raising money for the Mind charity here -. Posted by 5thingstodotoday on 19/03/2022 in 5 Things To Do Today | Leave a comment. Comments have been closed on this article. Gary Delaney Giving, Causes, Shock 12 Copy quote As a kid I was made to walk the plank. If you are dissatisfied with the response provided you can See also Please refresh the page and try again. I said, No, wait! Gary Delaney is a stand-up comedian and writer from the United Kingdom. I went to the doctors the other day and he said: Go to Bournemouth, its great for flu. So I went and I got it. I cant remember what its for and I never use it anyway. Mary Bourke (2012), Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? BBC Two. I shouted Stop! but if anything that made it worse. 3. It was a shitzu. A milk shake! Without pressure Id still be a conference organiser!, Talent is abundant, the willingness to work hard is rare, he says. ' Ronnie Barker, Its really hard to define virtue signalling, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop. Lucy Porter, If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths? Dara Briain, Do Transformers get car, or life insurance? Russell Howard, Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. Ive got condiments in my cupboard older than that.Lucy Beaumont (2014), Whats a couple? I asked my mum. Gary Delaney is another comic who can take the one-liner to the darker side. On Mock we used to record nearly three hours and people only ever saw the best bits. Price: 18.00. 40 of the funniest jokes about Brexit Now I cant get the cobwebs out of her hair. Bad example.Bridget Christie(2014), I love languages. I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldnt find any. To the moo-vies! Where do cows go for entertainment? Gary Delaney - Pundamentalist Gary Delaney, one-liner extraordinaire, has appeared on shows like Mock The Week and written for the likes of Jimmy Carr, Jason Manford, and James Corden. Editors' Code of Practice. . Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club (2019 Video) Plot Showing all 0 items Jump to: Summaries It looks like we don't have any Plot Summaries for this title yet. These adverts enable local businesses to get in front of their target audience the local community. He has also had a brush with copyright issues when his content was allegedly plagiarised by a humour website. contact the editor here. Crime in multi-storey car parks. 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners United Kingdom garydelaney.com Joined March 2009 2021 Twitter About Help Center Terms Privacy policy Cookies Ads info Gary Delaney @GaryDelaney Follow @GaryDelaney You win the gold, you feel good. Riveting! Stewart Francis, 100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny), People who like trance music are very persistent. Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. Members also get exclusive extra weekly episodes for our regular podcasts.Become a YouTube member to access all perks at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCG1QXvv8CME3I6yts0IevTA/join Check out our Hot Water Comedy Club Live Stream schedule - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk3dQ67cxDLHFWfD_V6j1kwFCb6ZvqUNbHot Water's Green Room Podcast - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk3dQ67cxDLHg7bzZRWSFii1p9Tp2nvkCFor all important Hot Water Comedy Club tickets, social media and information about our brand new 2022 venue please check out our mini website - https://linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyclub By choice. Hence it became this joke: I went round Granddads to walk his dog. Well see about that. 5 things to know about Dancehall legend Beenie Man when he performs in London this September, 5 things about where to spend the heatwave in London: Shaved Ice Gin Pop Up Bar in Belgravia, ROKU X Pantechnicon, 5 things about the The Bobby Moore Fund London Celebrity Sports Quiz. SEP 05 2020 Harrogate Theatre, Pingback: Trevor Noah Bio, Age, Real Name, Parents, Net Worth and The Daily Show, Pingback: Ilana Glazer Biography, Age, Brother, Husband, The Planet is Burning, Tour, Pingback: Sarah Millican Biography, Age, Husband, Books, Net Worth and Comedy, Email: 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes There was only one dog in it. November 2019 (5) October 2019 (6) September 2019 (5) August 2019 (5) July 2019 (6) June 2019 (4) May . Hot Water Comedy All Stars is now on a UK tour coming to a city near you - linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyallstarsYouTube members can now LIVE STREAM all of our regular Hot Water Comedy Club shows with over 10 stand up shows every single week streaming LIVE from the world famous Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool. Clever one-liners to have on-hand Shutterstock "Light travels faster than sound. So how does it feel to be so popular? Im a lot more sporty than I look, in fact I picked up a little niggle at the gym the other day, I mean he pronounces it Nigel. Ironically, thats how he lost his job in disaster relief. Mark Watson, Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. If I knew that we wouldnt need the bloody phone. Lee Evans, I doubt theres a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare. Victoria Wood, I said to the gym instructor: Can you teach me to do the splits?He said: How flexible are you?I said: I cant make Tuesdays. Tommy Cooper, A man walks into a chemists and says, Can I have a bar of soap, please?The chemist says, Do you want it scented?And the man says, No, Ill take it with me now. I hardly ever visit Syria. Alex Horne, A spa hotel? Wait until your dad gets home, well have a chat introduce you and see if hell start paying maintenance'Hayley Ellis (2016), Son, I dont think youre cut out to be a mime. I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. Felicity Ward (2016), Im single. You know when she was born? 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I owe so much money to my herb seller that hes threatened to send round the bay leafs. 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes Not all of it. Hes not dead, just very condescending. Jack Whitehall, Whats a couple? I asked my mum. Used to take it to the pictures and that. Its not my fault, its a condition. Top 250 Movies Most Popular Movies Top 250 TV Shows Most Popular TV Shows Most Popular Video Games Most Popular Music Videos Most Popular Podcasts. Their follow-up album, Blood, Sweat & Tears 3, also . Gary Delaney returns to the road with another onslaught of lean, expertly crafted witticisms in his new tour, Gagster's Paradise. My French pen friend just said Le Monde, which means the world to me. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.Sarah Millican (2011), Red sky at night: shepherds delight. I listen to people talking and how they use language, he says. Get yourself in the mood for the worlds largest comedy festival returning with these priceless jokes and one-liners that failed to win the coveted crown. Find many great new & used options and get the best deals for Pundamentalist: 1,000 jokes you probably haven't heard before by Gary Delaney (Hardcover, 2020) at the best online prices at eBay! Write every day. The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Went to the zoo. By using long words.Gary Delaney, Why is Henrys wife covered in tooth marks? My girlfriend's dog died and to cheer her up I bought her an identical one. 405 - Olaf Falafel His wife is a fellow stand-up comedian from England, Sarah Millican. Weve just got a little dog. Registered in England & Wales | 01676637 |. What do you expect? Then I was born.Yianni (2015), I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal. Paul F Taylor, This show is about perception and perspective. What a turtle disaster! <p>43 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes Used to take it to the pictures and that. The barman says: Ill serve you, but dont start anything.. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes TV shows like Mock and Apollo are fun, but most comics, if theyre being honest, will say that TV is something you do to sell your tour tickets. Learn how your comment data is processed. A Mock The Week regular and recent star of the new Live At The Apollo series, Gary's shows are renowned in the business for a near unrivalled volume of high . Because she was stuffed. Age One Liners. But pressure is good. ' Alan Carr, 105 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds, My phone will ring at 2am and my wifell look at me and go, Whos that calling at this time? I say, I dont know. Gary is at home in venues from arts centres and theatres to rowdy pubs and clubs and corporate gigs. 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes All rights reserved. I was the only thing between H and JK. Simon Evans, Im entering the worlds tightest hat competition. All Edit Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club (2019 Video) Quotes It looks like we don't have any Quotes for this title yet. Colchester, Queen Elizabeth Hall Age One Liners. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club(2019 Video) Gary Delaney: Self It looks like we don't have any photos or quotes yet. The barman says: Oi get out. Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners I dont know what he laced them with, but Ive been tripping all day. The President of France said this week that English speakers were arrogant in their refusal to learn other languages, at least I think thats what he said. They dont techno for an answer. Joel Dommett, I used to go out with a giraffe. 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother. Adam Hess (2016), My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. Darren Walsh (2015), My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, Hurry up! because I didnt want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, The 17 year old defendant, who hasnt been named. Jenny Collier (2016), Ive always considered myself more of a lover than a fighter. Whoever they are, I hope theyre happy Richard Stott, Whats driving Brexit? 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags It came in at quarter past four. If you're hunting for snark, Gary's got it covered! 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes Gary Delaney, one-liner extraordinaire, has appeared on shows like Mock the Week and written for the likes of Jimmy Carr, Jason Manford, and James Corden. . A milk shake! The older one grows, the more one likes indecency.. He appeared on Mock the Week in July 2012. The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise. Ill give you an example. A dino-snore! You know what your boss was trying to say? There have, however, been some unlucky losers. Badness by Gary Jubelin . What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? Read more: Stewart Lee's hilarious defence of political correctness (and weird stuff about raining sharks). Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. Yup, his visa expired.Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop(2014), I think jokes about learning difficulties are OK so long as theyre clever is like saying I think jokes about blind people are OK so long as theyre visual Brendon Burns (2013), I just bought underwater headphones and its made me loads faster. 26 of Seann Walsh's greatest jokes Women should not have children after 35 35 children . I took a poll recently and 100% of the people were quite annoyed that their tent had fallen down. Facebook: thebiographyscoop JUN 27 2020 Funhouse Comedy Club Often they seem to be just a string of one-liners put together in long form. 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners 105 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. Blue sky at night: day. Tom Parry (2015), It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it youre adding raisins and marshmallows its a rocky road. Olaf Falafel (2016), I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. Between us, something smells! I tell you what makes my blood boil, faulty spacesuits. Good for the planet, but scratchy. Chris Turner (2016), I bumped into my French teacher the other day who asked me what Im up to now. There are almost 1,300 comedy shows at this years Edinburgh Festival Fringe, each of them vying for your laughter. Now, for the first time, comes the first collection of his finest jokes. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but shed popped her clogs. His wisecracks are so daft and occasionally clever that it is impossible not to laugh, and you stand a realistic chance of pulling a muscle in your side. My observational comedy improved. Sara Pascoe, Trumps nothing like Hitler. ' Peter Kay, I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Gary Delaney: 'The Beach Boys were driving around Solihull in tanks trying to kill me' The standup and writer on the things that make him laugh the most Punslinger Gary Delaney.. Delaney has been in the comedy industry since the early 2000s. Your head hits the ceiling! We couldnt afford a dog. Gary Delaney, I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners It took them two hours to pass the salt. Age One Liners. Blue sky at night. Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick Andrew Lawrence (2008), Doctor, doctor! He is known for his role as a writer for Birmingham-based FM radio station Kerrang! 28th March 2019. Talking casually gives you more leeway for jokes. From here it looks like its probably the Duke of Edinburgh Milton Jones, A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. Its not like Angry Birds. I hate necks. Steve Martin, I have a lot of growing up to do. I bought my nephew a caterpillar cake without checking the best before date, so now hes got a butterfly cake. I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.Gary Delaney, I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. We want our comments to be a lively and valuable part of our community - a place where readers can debate and engage with the most important local issues. Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more. GARY Delaney is the master of the one-liner; a one-man machine gun of gags, which he unleashes on his audiences without mercy. The high quantity of stand January 2023 Jan 14 Sat Salisbury, Arts Centre Gary Delaney More info Jan 15 Sun The Glee Club Nottingham Gary Delaney Sold out Jan 20 Fri Barnstaple, Queens Theatre Gary Delaney View Tickets 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners Body like a Greek statue completely pale, no arms.Phil Wang (2015), My husbands penis is like a semi colon. Its been a tough week, I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now its trying to blackmail me. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling See also Release Dates|Official Sites|Company Credits|Filming & Production|Technical Specs Is it OK that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school? Um, well How to use the cold weather payment postcode checker, and when the 25 is paid, Robert Jenrick backs calls to strip serial rapist David Carrick of his Met Police pension, Warning freezing temperatures could be 'deadly' as conditions from asthma to dehydration worsen, We can praise Maya Jama without insulting Laura Whitmore, Why top BBC stars like Ken Bruce are quitting for rival media companies, Jacob Rees-Mogg's bonfire of EU laws is a vanity project that even Brexiteers want rid of, NHS workers will keep striking for months as ministers set to ignore pay talks until April, Ken Bruce promises golden oldies at Greatest Hits Radio after row over Radio 2 axing classics, Nursing chief apologises for strikes but says 'we are desperately trying to save the NHS', How to listen to Greatest Hits Radio on FM and DAB, and when Ken Bruce starts, Do not sell or share my personal information. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer came second.Will Duggan, Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.Tiff Stevenson, I often confuse Americans and Canadians. Contact lenses.Zoe Lyons, Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Im excited to see how they turn out. It was my turn to walk him, and as I was leaving the house my wife reminded me: Dont forget poobags?. From here it looks like its probably the Duke of EdinburghMilton Jones (2019), A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. black stuff coming out of praying mantis; r404a refrigerant properties table; school of the spirit apostle joshua selman; it ends with us quiz answers You can explore dirty minded lewd reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months. Hayley Ellis (2012), One in four frogs is a leap frog. Chris Turner (2016), Love is like a fart. 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before A native of Solihull, Gary is an Economics scholar who studied at the London School of Economics before he ventured into comedy. We cant even afford a garden, so when my wife bought us a trampoline I hit the roof. Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window), Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window), Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window), Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window), Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window), View fivethingstodotodays profile on Facebook. The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team Gary Delaney Quotes facebook twitter googleplus I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell. All rights reserved. I said, "No, wait! To be fair, they do have a point though.. My grief councillor died recently but luckily he was so good I didnt care. She didnt succeed but she did leave a large visible crack. Al Porter (2016), I like Jesus but he loves me, so its awkward.Tom Stade (2008), My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe) Pundamentalist by Gary Delaney is out now (Headline, 12.99). No it was a mutual thing. Contents 1 Early life 2 Career 3 Personal life 4 References 5 External links Early life [ edit] My observational comedy improved.Sara Pascoe (2014), You know youre working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.Rob Beckett (2012), Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I found out she was seeing someone on the side. My Uncles a lion tamer, when he went bankrupt they took nearly everything, but at least hes still got his pride. Its great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if youve put on weight. 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. Hes all right now. Wouldnt it just be easier to talk to a woman? Stephen Brown (2008), If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, youre just late. Joel Dommett(2014), I cant exercise for long periods. 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners I thought: 'This could be interesting.'" Paddy Lennox "I'm sure. Theres no other word for it Ross Smith, I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; Im really struggling to get out of it Adele Cliff, 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners His tour dates regularly sell out. Some of his memorable moments in comedy include when he went on a tour in the UK in 2003, in support of Jerry Sadowitz. I laughed my backside off and when I knew he was going to be in Winchester, I just had to be there. A comedians comedian, who else does he admire on the comedy circuit these days? ' Damien Slash (2015), I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Doc, I cant stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home. He said: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? I asked. ' Paddy Lennox, Im sure wherever my dad is; hes looking down on us. Her choice. Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes I keep about one in 20 of the jokes I write, so I have to write and test over 4,000 to make a new tour show.. I can change.. 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? I hear you ask. Jordan Brookes (2016), I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. Will Marsh (2012), I bought myself some glasses. 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes Famous in the comedy world for his perfectly formed jokes, how does he craft his gags? 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners Obviously it wasnt called that, it was advertised as a School Reunion. A pork chop! The couple met and began their relationship in 2006. Gary Delaney is a stand-up comedian and writer . Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present. inaccuracy or intrusion, then please 1992. Now, for the first time, comes this collection of his finest 3,000 jokes. Gary Delaney | Ruthless One Liners Hot Water Comedy Club 184K subscribers Join 6.5K 566K views 11 months ago Hot Water Comedy All Stars is now on a UK tour coming to a city near you -. 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes She was livid, what am I going to do with two dead dogs?. Live theres no safety net. I spent this morning swanning around the town centre, I hissed at people and broke a mans arm. Youll look at your iPhone 5 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on. Athena Kugblenu (2017), I had a job drilling holes for water it was well boring. Leo Kearse (2018), Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day. Adam Rowe (2018), I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. Riveting!Stewart Francis, I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: Its not rocket salad.Lou Sanders, Crime in multi-storey car parks. But my husband wouldnt let me. RiaLina (2014), One thing youll never hear a Hindu say Ah well, you only live once.Hardeep Singh Kohli (2014), My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. I said, Yes, of course. Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds. My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, hes a Catholic converter. Just hope I can pull it off. William Andrews, Why are they calling it Brexit when they could be calling it The Great British Break Off? Alex Edelman, Words cant express how much I hate World Emoji Day. Christian Talbot, Someone stole my antidepressants. 1.4M views, 9.6K likes, 306 loves, 931 comments, 3.1K shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Gary Delaney: This Summer I recorded two old tour shows LIVE at Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool. Theyll raise their fists, Ill whip my knob out.Mark Nelson (2015), I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles, she said hardback? and I was like, yeah and little heads Mark Simmons (2015), I learned about method acting at drama school, when all my classmates stayed in character as posh, patronising twats for the entire three years I was there.Bridget Christie (2015), My ex-girlfriend would always ask me to text her when I got in. He had performances in such places as Shepherds Bush Empire in London and Manchester University. He is excellent at the One-Liner and we get a compilation of some r. Gary Delaney is currently on his UK Gary in Punderland tour. Be the first to contribute! But he hesitated Andy Field, Combine Harvesters. 49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes Featuring the likes of: Garden centres can't reopen fast enough for me, I've been living on borrowed thyme. No, Im kidding I dont have a licence. Felicity Ward (2012), I was very naive sexually. My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards. Sarah Millican, My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Some of his jokes were not received well, particularly one where he said that people from Jersey were trying to shake off their tax avoidance tag and get back to their traditional reputation as Nazi sympathisers. This did not sit well with the residents of Jersey. But on the plus side only three more sleeps till Christmas. Robert Garnham (2017), Centaurs shop at Topman. Ive just bought Spider-Man pyjamas. Email Address. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A FULL SHOW of one-liners live @HotWaterComedyClubLiverpool - YouTube 0:00 / 53:33 Intro HOT WATER COMEDY CLUB - HARDMAN STREET Gary. Theres no way he could write a book. Frankie Boyle, You know youre working class when your TV is bigger than your book case. Rob Beckett, Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. Like the way an Irish person or a Scottish person would say that the band Snow Patrol are boring but an Eskimo has a hundred words for how crap Snow Patrol are. Neil Hickey(2013), Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! ' Eddie Izzard, I bought myself some glasses. 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes Today someone told me that I look good with a salt n pepper beard, so I took that as a condiment. COLLABRO RETURNS TO LONDON WITH A BRAND-NEW CONCERT TOUR THIS CHRISTMAS! By mandi on Saturday, December 14, 2019. Be the first to contribute! It ended in a tie! But it depends how you look at it. Felicity Ward, My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. But it all just sounded like haw he saw he haw he haw. Youll progress.. Gary Delaney Dog, Kids, Made 7 Copy quote My mother-in-law was so mean she blinded herself just to get a free dog. Really watch comics whove just done better than you to the same audience. However, the best joke writer in the world right now is Anthony Jeselnik in the States.. You either love them or you keep them at the back of the cupboard next to the piccalilli. Abi Roberts (2016), You just know Chilcot was up until 4am, downing Red Bulls and trying to crank out the last 800,000 words. Alex Kealy (2016), Yo Mammas so fat that other people have to pay for the health consequences of this via general taxation, even though its her responsibility. Dominic Frisby (2016), Jokes about white sugar are rare. Add a photoor add a quote. 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes, 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes, 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes, 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners, 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes, 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults, 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners, 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips, 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley, 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes, 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes, 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes, Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier, 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes, 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes, 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults, 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling, The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team, 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes, Tories fear 'lurch to the right' after election defeat, with Badenoch among favourites to lead, 'We have a trauma bond': Life after The Traitors. Honestly its madness gone politically correct. I recently entered a competition to see whos gained the most weight and lost the most hair. He was born in the year 1973 in Solihull in the United Kingdom as Gary Justin Delaney. Mandi is an experienced writer on various topics with a passion for telling stories with words. I had to put my foot down. Body like a Greek statue completely pale, no arms. Phil Wang, If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been Its round. Two of his gags were included in the top ten of the third annual Dave Award for the Funniest Joke of the Fringe, making him the only comedian to have this happen to him. All rights reserved. Please report any comments that break our rules. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips Crime in multi-storey car parks. ' Stewart Francis, Im sure wherever my Dad is, hes looking down on us. contact IPSO here, 2001-2023. New tour Gary in Punderland on sale, new dates added. Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners The stand-ups I admire the most are all gag-men, people who could write a really good short funny joke, he says. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling Joke book 'Pundamentalist' out too. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine (2011), I have downloaded this new app. Gary Delaney's Second Special (a full show of one liners). 6. Also live is more fun as its in the moment. My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead. Emo Philips, Steven Wright, Milton Jones, Mitch Hedberg, Max Miller, Ken Dodd, Henny Youngman, Bob Monkhouse and Rodney Dangerfield. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you cant have your kayak and heat it. Never Explain! Sorry, thats my motto. Chris Turner, I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai. Read more: Foals and Supergrass hit home turf for only Oxfordshire festival appearances, Experiment in good rooms, edit in hard rooms. billed as a blockbuster simply because of the amount of one-liners in just a few minutes. Went to the corner shop bought four corners. Asking for a friend. Steve Bugeja (2016), I wanted to do a show about feminism. Watch as many good comics as you can. Something bad is about to happen I can feel it. "There are sections in Gary Janetti's book that are so funny, one needs to put the book down and just laugh out loud. Gary Delaney Live at the Apollo ArseRaptor 141K subscribers Subscribe 3.4K 480K views 4 years ago Are you feeling in a giving mood? 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. But Ive got the ins and outs. Iain Stirling, Roses are red, violets are blue, Im a schizophrenic, and so am I. Billy Connolly, My mother told me, you dont have to put anything in your mouth you dont want to. Um, well How to use the cold weather payment postcode checker, and when the 25 is paid, Warning freezing temperatures could be 'deadly' as conditions from asthma to dehydration worsen, We can praise Maya Jama without insulting Laura Whitmore, Robert Jenrick backs calls to strip serial rapist David Carrick of his Met Police pension, Ken Bruce promises golden oldies at Greatest Hits Radio after row over Radio 2 axing classics, Jacob Rees-Mogg's bonfire of EU laws is a vanity project that even Brexiteers want rid of, Why top BBC stars like Ken Bruce are quitting for rival media companies, Nursing chief apologises for strikes but says 'we are desperately trying to save the NHS', The BBC has stopped caring about radio Ken Bruce is the price, How to listen to Greatest Hits Radio on FM and DAB, and when Ken Bruce starts, Do not sell or share my personal information. No one else can deliver jokes at such volume and velocity. Gig every night. Whoever they are, I hope theyre happyRichard Stott (2019), Whats driving Brexit? I thought it was quite a clever title, but quite a few times Ive turned up at venues and seen that my posters have been have graffitied to say Ginsters Paradise instead. What did the left eye say to the right eye? In response, the BBC reiterated that Mock the Week contains irreverent humour and that the comment was obviously tongue-in-cheek. Soyseems to be the hardest word.Phil Nicol, Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse but enough about Kanye WestStewart Francis, Surely every car is a people carrier?Adam Hess, Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? The group's self-titled second album spent seven weeks atop the U.S. charts, spun off three Top 5 hit singles, and won the Grammy Award for Album of the Year in 1970. 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults DayTom Parry, I never lie on my CVbecause it creases it. Jenny Collier, If you dont know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourselfIan Smith, I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one timeTom Ward, Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything loved it. Well if thats true, what do you think smoking cannabis does? Mickey P Kerr, How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. This morning I made a Belgian waffle, in the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk rubbish. Thats tapasMark Nelson, Red sky at night. Cookies help us deliver our Services. Its a giraffe, mate. One is really heavy, the other is a little lighterMasai Graham, Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. JUN 26 2020 House Of Fun Comedy Club Its okay. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club Video 2019 54 m YOUR RATING Rate Comedy Add a plot in your language Writer Gary Delaney Star Gary Delaney See production, box office & company info Add to Watchlist Photos Add photo Top cast Edit Gary Delaney Self Writer Gary Delaney All cast & crew I said, Yes, of course. Dont get drunk or stoned. Hes bisatchel. #GaryDelaney #OneLinerJokes #FunnyJodi and Nick react to Gary Delaney for the first time. 100 of Homer Simpsons greatest quotes I said, One minute Im on the phone. Frankly I love it, he says. How dairy. TCIN: 87647644. Im just gonna keep moving house till I find her Lew Fitz, I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella. I realised that the other day inside my fort. Zach Galifianakis, I used to work at McDonalds making minimum wage. Gary Delaney Biography. Earn 1000 to grow your eyelashes! The high quantity of stand out gags leaves the audience struggling to remember them all. No one else can deliver jokes at such volume and velocity nor with such scatter gun abandon. The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. Tories fear 'lurch to the right' after election defeat, with Badenoch among favourites to lead, 'We have a trauma bond': Life after The Traitors. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. Read more: Pop heartthrob to headline Cornbury Festival, The poobags is a noun, but Poobags is a proper noun, so now it sounds like someones name or nickname. Newsquest Media Group Ltd, Loudwater Mill, Station Road, High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire. I thought: This could be interesting. Hot Water Comedy All Stars is now on a UK tour coming to a city near you - linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyallstarsBecome a YouTube member to access all live streams and exclusive extra weekly podcast episodes at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCG1QXvv8CME3I6yts0IevTA/join YouTube members can now LIVE STREAM all of our regular Hot Water Comedy Club shows with over 10 stand up shows every single week streaming LIVE from the world famous Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool. You win the bronze, you think, at least I got something. But you win that silver, thats like, Congratulations, you almost won! GAGSTER'S PARADISE. Edit, improve, tweak, experiment, keep what works. I was the only thing between H and JK. Simon Evans (2018), Im entering the worlds tightest hat competition. . Riveting! Stewart Francis (2012), Im learning the hokey cokey. This site is part of Newsquest's audited local newspaper network. But my husband wouldnt let me.RiaLina, Money cant buy you happiness? Went to the doctors and said: Have you got anything for wind? He gave me a kite. In that case, give me a Kyle!. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I used to be into ham radio, but all I could hear was crackling. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? What do you call a pig that knows karate? I went to see a polish Pink Floyd tribute band, not only were they cheaper but they played The Wall in half the time. What do you call a cow with no legs? 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners How do you know if theres an elephant under your bed? One of Britain's leading one-liner comics returns to the road with another onslaught of lean, expertly crafted gaggery. It doesnt last long if youre fat.Joe Lycett(2014), I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone. Jordan Brookes (2016), You cant lose a homing pigeon. Doomed to fail, How to listen to Greatest Hits Radio on FM and DAB, and when Ken Bruce starts, Where the mid-morning show host is going next and what he's said, How to get Madonna's London O2 tickets and full list of tour dates and venues, 'We know less about the things around us than ever before': Pico Iyer on five decades of travel, On TV tonight, cutting-edge operations in Surgeons: At the Edge of Life, Do not sell or share my personal information. If you eat one apple a day for 80 years, you won't die young. . Hes not dead, just very condescending.Jack Whitehall, Trumps nothing like Hitler. For a taste of what to expect this time around,weve put together a rather epic list of some of the best jokes and one-liners that have had audiences giggling in the Scottish capital over recent years. In Germany, we dont have to swear. I thought: This could be interesting.Paddy Lennox (2009), The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, Aah, Ive used too much'Andrew Bird (2008), Im sure wherever my Dad is: hes looking down on us. A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: Pint please, and one for the road.. Its been 11 years since Dave launched the Funniest Joke of the Fringe award, and there have been some worthy winners over the years. I went down to my local supermarket and I said: I want to make a complaint. No one lost ahead of you! Jerry Seinfeld, We werent very religious. If you do gags, you live and die by their quality, so you have to make them good. Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but its against the law. Chris Rock, Love is like a fart. Im on a whisky diet. I met this gangster who pulls up the back of peoples pants. Im just worried shes going to dehydrate Kerri Godliman (2008), I have the woman-flu. Theres just you and an audience and no editor to cut out the bits that dont work. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees; apparently she stood him up! Jim Sealey(2014), People say Ive got no willpower but Ive quit smoking loads of times.Kai Humphries(2014), My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. Data returned from the Piano 'meterActive/meterExpired' callback event. Read more: Red, Red Wine to flow at Blenheim Palace as festival given a reggae twist. 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. As I was leaving, he said: Dont forget poobags!, I was like Alright, Gran, you can come as well.. The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes Thats me in the corner. Milton Jones, Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day.Would you buy a second-hand car from this man? they asked.Would you buy a second-hand car? I replied. Miles Jupp, With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. Gary Delaney With 23 One Liners! Im never jogging behind a Council van in Winter ever again, he said through gritted teeth. I got seven Cs. It doesnt last long if youre fat. Joe Lycett, My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Free delivery for many products! So I bought 100 copies ofGoldfinger. Nick Hall (2015), Ive decided to stop masturbating, since then Ive not really felt myself. Tom Toal (2015), I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.Jonny Lennard(2014), My wife told me: Sex is better on holiday. That wasnt a nice postcard to receive.Joe Bor(2014), The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed Josie Long (2008), My friend said she was giving up drinking from Monday to Friday. A Sony and Chortle Award winner, he repeatedly takes the Edinburgh Festival Fringe by storm and his jokes have twice made Daves Top 10 Funniest Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe. The high quantity of stand out gags leaves the audience struggling to remember them all. If its that dark, light a candle. Phil Cornwell, The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. That is wrong on so many different levels.Tim Vine, I picked up a hitch hiker. The barman says: Sorry, we dont serve food in here., A jumplead walks into a bar.

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